You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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