lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I just saw a hot homeless man
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
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she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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