Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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