It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
