I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
