Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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