You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
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I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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