I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
