sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize