No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
