i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Boobs are out for the taking
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
