do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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