Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
People in love make me want to vomit
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
