I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
