Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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