Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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