Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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