I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We had to coat check the pizza.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My ass is underappreciated
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
