as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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