its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
