Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
