I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
