why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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