so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
