i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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