Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Randomize
