I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
