i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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