I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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