We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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