Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
