I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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