as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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