The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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