Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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