I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
