There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
