My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
