You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
