note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
