hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
