She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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