when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
