I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
only if we run a train.
done.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
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Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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