dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
don't judge my taste in strippers
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
