Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
