Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
