she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
