I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
