At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
