It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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