Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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