mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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