i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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